This One is for Elder Perry

I met Elder Perry as a student at BYU. I remember him being very tall and friendly. He lived a great life and will certainly be missed. I absolutely loved his last lds general conference talk Why Marriage and Family Matter—Everywhere in the World 

"Once we are married and once we have children, the true commonality among all mankind becomes even more evident. As “family people”—no matter where we live or what our religious beliefs may be—we share many of the same struggles, the same adjustments, and the same hopes, worries, and dreams for our children."

As I work with families each day I realize that we all have so much in common even though we are so different. Everyone wants to have meaningful family relationships. I love how he closed his final conference talk: 

" Let me close by bearing witness (and my nine decades on this earth fully qualify me to say this) that the older I get, the more I realize that family is the center of life and is the key to eternal happiness.  

I give thanks for my wife, for my children, for my grandchildren and my great-grandchildren, and for all of the cousins and in-laws and extended family who make my own life so rich and, yes, even eternal. Of this eternal truth I bear my strongest and most sacred witness in the name of Jesus Christ, amen."

What a great quote that his family will always be able to treasure. If you want to read more about his life go here. I'm grateful to have grown up listening to his wonderful talks and I agree that the older I get the more I appreciate my family and want mine to be the very best it can!

Playing With Your Kids Fosters Character Traits and Builds Family Bonds

The Fall 2014 edition of BYU Magazine features an article about families that play together. (You can read the full article HERE.) My 2 favorite professors at BYU (Dr. Laura Padilla-Walker and Dr. Larry Nelson) are featured in this article, and discuss how participating in meaningful and challenging recreation helps kids build character traits such as persistence, confidence and resilience. Recreational activities such as hiking, rafting, and camping teach kids that they can continue towards a goal, not to give up, and to make decisions for themselves (as well as the consequences of those decisions). Of course, the activities alone do not foster these traits -- parental guidance and encouragement are what really seal the deal. 

Not only does participating in family activities help build the above mentioned traits (among others), it also creates an environment for the family to strengthen familial bonds. The time spent together is priceless, as are the experiences and memories you create.

Kyle and I have talked about this, and also believe that one of the keys to helping make sure that activities such as these are positive and strengthening for families is by starting them young. Abe is only 8 months old, but has already participated in camping trips and hikes. We want our kids to expect and look forward to these events, and not all of a sudden throw them into a week long camping trip without any previous experience. It's just simply something that we do together as a family. As a bonus -- most outdoor recreational activities force you to "unplug" from your electronics and really pay attention to your family and the beautiful world we live in.

Of course, you do not need to go camping, rafting, etc in order to foster character traits and build those family bonds. Something as simple as playing a board game together, doing a puzzle together, or participating in any other activity works, too. The main idea is to have frequent family interactions, to normalize time spent together as a family, and for parents to create experiences and activities that will foster the building of character traits and strengthen family bonds. Spending time together needs to be a priority, and expected. By establishing family "play time" you are helping to create a stable and loving household and family, which will then positively spill over into all other aspects of your life and the people you interact with -- and that's what this world needs -- priority placed on the family and positivity. 

Would You Really Be Happier if You Made More Money?

There is a lot of debate about the correlation between money and happiness. The first question that needs to be answered is what is happiness? How do you operationalize happiness? Personally, I don't think you can but it is still an interesting topic to consider.

Some research defines happiness as experiencing positive emotions. This research indicates that Paraguay is the happiest country in the world. link  Having lived there for two years, my anecdotal evidence would agree that Paraguayans are a lot happier than those of us living in the U.S. Latin countries typically score higher according to this definition of happiness and I believe it is because they live close to their extended families and spend a lot of time with friends.  

Other research on happiness defines it as "well being" or "satisfaction". These studies typically show that happiness increases with income and also "the happiness value of the next dollar you earn is always worth less than the one you earned before it. link"  Or in other words when you are poor an extra dollar means a lot more than when you are rich. An oft cited study states that above $75,000 a year in the U.S. that more money doesn't bring more happiness. I tend to agree that once your basic needs and a few wants are met that more money isn't going to make you happier.

Even a proponent for the "money makes happiness" ideology wrote "Couples who say money is not important to them score about 10% to 15% better on measures of “relationship quality,” meaning they fight less and have more stable relationships, according to a 2011 study of 1,700 married couples by Brigham Young University and published in the “Journal of Couple & Relationships Therapy.” link

So I guess the questions you have to ask yourself are what does happiness mean to you and what do you really need?

Personally I'd love to find out what it's like to live on $75,000 a year (actually I'd really like find out what it's like to live on my current income without paying student loans), but I learned a long time ago "I'll be happy when...." only leads to not being happy in the present. It's great to have goals and some extra money might make life a little less stressful, but please try to find joy in the journey.

Here is a video of my cute kid laughing to help.

Now that makes me happy!

PS. This financial planner probably summed it up a lot better than I did, The Odd Relationship Between Money and Happiness

Why You Should Eat Meals as a Family

There are a multitude of studies out there on parent child interaction. In Parenting with Love and Limits (the family therapy program I facilitate) we tell the families that the average father spends 4 minutes a day interacting with his child and the average mother 7 minutes a day. I've seen quite a few different numbers in various studies but I've never seen an average of above 15 minutes of interaction a day. Parents spend very little time actually interacting with their child without TV or some other distraction!

Image courtesy of akarakingdoms at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

In the reading that I have done about healthy families one of the biggest common factors is eating meals together. Eating meals as a family is linked to lower rates of substance abuse, depression, and teen pregnancy; as well as higher grades and self esteem. Research also shows, not surprisingly, that kids who eat meals with parents are healthier and have lower rates of obesity. Not to mention parents save a lot of money by not eating out as often.

So turn off your TV and put away your cell phone and make it a goal to sit down and eat with your kids. Is 15 minutes a day too much to ask? You'll be doing better than most if you just eat one meal a day together, imagine if you ate all three!

Here are a few links to read more:

Do Family Meals Really Make a Difference?

Family Meals spell S-U-C-C-E-S-S

8 Reasons to Make Time for Family Dinner

The Importance of Eating Together - Includes a lot of ideas on how to create better meal times.

Why I'm Writing

Britt made me answer questions for one of her blog posts and one of the questions was what would you call your blog and what would it be about. Well it made me think about it and I decided it is time to start writing.

Someday I want to write a book and I need a lot more practice writing before I'm ready. I'm a horrible writer. I still mess up they're and their and don't ask me to tell you the difference between it's and its because I'm not sure I could. But I do have something to say and it is important.

I am going to write about why the family matters and how to make yours awesome. Future posts will include "Why Family Meals Matter" and "How Much Money Does a Family Need to be Happy." So I hope you come back to read them. Either way I'll still work on becoming a better writer and someday you'll read my best seller. Stay classy :)

Marriage Is Hard...Even if You Like Your Spouse

I often feel like people view getting married as their happy ending. Really it is only the beginning. Happily ever after only comes with a lot of sacrifice and hard work. Marriage isn't about throwing a huge wedding with expensive decorations and food. No matter how in love you are with your spouse when you get married, you better be prepared to work hard or that love will disappear.

As a graduate student just beginning to do couples counseling, I learned quickly that it is rare to find a couple where both partners want to work on their relationship. It felt like counseling was just one more thing to check off their list to say they had "tried" to make things work before they got a divorce. It seemed like they were there to prove that it was the other person's fault that the relationship was ending.

I wish that more couples came in earlier in their relationship when things were starting to get difficult instead of when they were already on their way out the door. In fact, I wish that more states had laws that required couples to get couples counseling when they purchased their marriage license. Sadly, it's more common for states to have laws requiring counseling, especially parent training (if there are children involved),when you get a divorce.

The world we live in is dominated by crisis and whatever shouts loudest for our attention. It would be nice if we made more efforts to prevent problems instead of working on them when they have reached crisis level. I hope that no matter where you are in your relationship you will take the time to continue to date each other and do the work required to make a relationship last. If you think marriage counseling might be helpful for you I hope you will not wait. Do it now!

Marriage is not your happily ever after unless you work every day to make it one.